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Awkward Audible
Christina de Anda © 2005
I’d like to hear the music
The music a deaf man plays in his mind
I’d like to hear him curse himself
To see if what I do’s all right
I’d yearn to sit in silence
Mute unnecessary
Censor the screams, the threats,
The whispers…
I’d love to hear the sounds up in your head
The sounds of the demented
To know why your face sours
Why your skin turns to white
Why you scream and never let go
Yes, I’d like to feel an inner fear
One so piercing
It’s understood: you can never escape yourself
Mute unnecessary
I want to see what bothers you
To see if it bothers me too
You hear
You think
Betrayal
Pray, take me to the awkward audible
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Celestial Sadist
Christina de Anda © 2005
She brought me to a gentle heel
And then made it so I couldn’t feel
All the colors of feeling sad
Where were you when I needed you so bad?
I’d like to see this awry mood subside
But celestial sadist you tend to hide
The love we share with all your lies
You float aloft, looking so insightful
Your turned on by my plight, I hear your laughs by nightfall
And when I look to who
It’s done by none other than you
And yes you heard me right
I’m resigning
And I know it counters my natural timing
But I’m so numb, so numb I can feel
Yet I still can’t tell if you’re fake or real
Celestial sadist, from some vile tide
Your beauty stuns me and sadly forever by you I reside.
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Heaven’s Hang
Christina de Anda © 2005
I stole your only hope and ran with him
Stark naked
Beyond salt-glazed stars
Mr. Diagnostic Man, you can’t understand
I don’t want you to anyway
I precede your mistakes
and slip on granite stone
Don’t ask of the colors on my knees
Bruised from baby-walk
And don’t dare keep watch of my hollow spine
Bent and prone to lock
I soar through night-ridden skies
My skin torn and broken
Along salt-glazed stars
And may I touch you I ask
Kiss you to embrace you to suppress you?
Forgetful you
No, Forgetful me
The salt pervades my abrasions, my wounds
Stark naked
You said the salt would rid the burns,
The aftertaste of pain
Well, see Mr. Diagnostic Man
You’re incapable of understanding
And I resent you for offering me false content
Temporary confidential smiles
I can loathe, oh how I can loathe
And I insist you not ask of the colors on my skin
Instead come soar with me through salt-glazed stars and beyond
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Trouble You with You
Christina de Anda © 2005
I hate to trouble you with you
But we lack passion
I don’t feel like starting out anew
Or finding other fashions
Blatantly like obscured I am
Did you say that you were rational?
Time to trouble
You with you
Besides there’s no way in not making this hurt
Could we at least elope and find a better view?
Cause I’m leaning into someone, love
And it’s not you
I hate to trouble you with you
But my heart’s deformed and set askew
So no longer am I in love with you
And I dream of someone else instead
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Disclaimer
Christina de Anda © 2005
Innocent, I know
While violins pull your head below
Drawn black-- no, no
Fed toxins so the love would grow
When the aftertaste lingers
Know now
And now know
What you’ve swallowed
Stop feigning a wounded sparrow
Or some helpless victim
And start oiling your wounds
So simple, just lick them
Say "I’m innocent"
While harps replace violins
Pulling your head lower
You couldn’t scream loud enough
So the sides of your mouth tear
Allowing the yelps to overwhelm the air
My air, your air
Contaminated
Bottled beer like bottled fear,
Hot tea for rotten teeth
And hopes and ashes
For tomorrow’s suicide claimer:
Doodle, doodle as time slips me by;
Cradle, cradle, my baby don’t you die;
Tilt your head to the sun;
Hold it a while and feel the blood run
Can you imagine smiles for bruises?
I know you have
Yet you seem rounded
A smile though thorned
Despite all the times counted
Your flesh has been torn
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